Health Insurance Company Addresses New Concerns
In the aftermath of the murder of UnitedHealth Group Inc. CEO Brian Thompson in New York last week, an emergency meeting was convened by the board of directors of ConsolidatedWellness Association Inc., an insurance company based in St. Petersburg.
“We wanted to address the terrible, awful, inexcusable, senseless killing of UnitedHealth’s leader and how we would deal with such an unfortunate circumstance if it ever happened to Jack Spintz, our own CEO,” said board member Jeff Jefferies. “And how shares in that company increased by 1% the day that terrible, awful event occurred.”
“Especially that last part,” he added.
“Nobody wants to see Jack get gunned down in cold blood in a public place during the day, ideally around 9:30am on a Monday, when the stock market opens and is most volatile,” said Steve Stevenson, a board member. “We just want to make sure that we’re positioned to effectively handle that when – I mean, if – it happens.”
“We decided that while it would undeniably be a tragedy, it wouldn’t be the worst possible tragedy,” said yet another board member, Cliff Clifson. “You know, for the sake of our shareholders. Nobody is denying that, even though denying is what we’re best at.”
Upon reaching a consensus on that matter, the board tended to other matters, including the hire of a light-skinned man, wearing a grey colored backpack, a light brown or cream-colored jacket, black face mask and black-and-white sneakers to provide “unspecified special services” on behalf of the company.
The board also decided that in the event of some totally not premeditated and unfortunate tragedy involving Spintz, that the company would buy his widow a nice fruit basket, the cost of which would be covered by a rate hike for its customers.
