How to Fight Everyone in the Whole World

Doesn’t everybody everywhere piss you off? Not all the time, of course. But sometimes with their ideas and talking and being in your way, wouldn’t you like to just kick everybody’s ass? Sure you would. And while that’s a completely insane, bordering on sociopathic idea, it doesn’t mean you can’t make a reasonable plan to accomplish that goal.

Step One: Set a budget –

If you’re going to fight everybody, everywhere, you’re going to be doing a lot of travelling and that’s something that can really add up. Maybe get some side work and save up before you get started, which might take years before you actually face your first opponent but that still beats having to get a job washing dishes at a kebab restaurant in Istanbul to afford a place to sleep at night.

Step Two: Start with babies –

They’ll be easy to defeat and you can save time by fighting four and five of them at a time. Plus, there’s a lot of them and you will want to vanquish as many as possible before they’re capable of sitting upright, walking and otherwise defending themselves. That way when they get older and come to you seeking revenge, you will be able to say “Nuh uh, Junior. I defeated you fairly and squarely when you were but a mewling milk-fed infant. No rematches, no do-overs”.

Step Three: The elderly and the infirm –

Again for the sake of practicality: you should be able to defeat them two, maybe three at a time, saving some time. After that, it will become considerably more difficult.

Step Four: Women –

Before you get angry and say it’s sexist to think that it’s easier to fight women than men, it’s actually the opposite of that. Most of the time when men fight, it’s always about preening and posturing and not being embarrassed. However, when women get angry enough to fight, their intent is to accomplish nothing less than total annihilation of their opponent. You will need all of your strength to fight them. Afterwards, there’s little doubt that you’ll be wounded and short of breath but you should still have plenty left in the tank to take out a bunch of guys whose entire concern begins and ends with “dude, not the face”. Besides, ladies first.

Step Five: Men –

See above. There are a lot of men out there and some of them are MMA fighters and members of various elite military forces, but most of the rest of them are pussies.

Step Six: Shaquille O’Neal, in a worldwide tv pay-per-view spectacular –

Shaq is big and strong and if I’m being honest, I don’t think you can beat him. But everyone in the world will be rooting for you, in spite of the fact that you will have beaten every single one of them up at that point, and that should give you The Eye of the Tiger. They’ll say things like “you know, that guy whipped my ass when I was a baby but I totally respect him and everything he stands for” and “yeah, me too”. Because nobody wants to see the guy who beat them up get taken out by some chump who couldn’t even hit 50% of his free throws. Damn Shaq, bend your knees!!
Or they may root for him to beat the living daylights out of you, which is what will probably happen.
Either way, get psyched, bro; you’re going to be on tv!