John Morgan Claims Universal Superiority Over All Bus Bench Lawyers

John Morgan, proprietor of the ubiquitous Morgan & Morgan slip-and-fall law firm and famous for pronouncing “lawyer” as a four-syllable word and “dignity” with another D where the G is supposed to go, is claiming that his firm is the largest in the entire universe.

“Not just Tampa Bay, not just Florida, not just America, not just the world but the entire all of space and time and their contents,” he said. “That comprises all of existence, any fundamental interaction, physical process and physical constant, and therefore all forms of energy and matter, and the structures they form, from sub-atomic particles to entire galactic firmaments. We are omnipresent and omnipotent. We are alpha and omega. We are, in a word, everything.”

“What I’m saying is, if you tripped over a mop bucket at a Walmart, call us,” he added. “We can get you some money.”

While one might be tempted to dismiss the claim as bombastic hyperbole, more befitting of a used-car salesman wearing a clown’s nose than a licensed professional attorney, with the limited means of deep-space exploration currently available, it is impossible to substantiate or refute Morgan’s claim. Although he does project more credibility than other lawyers practicing in similar legal disciplines in the Tampa Bay Area.

For instance, Bill ‘Dead Air’ Sansone who pronounces “Pinellas” as “PY-nellas” in advertisements on local radio stations.

Or the firm of Farah and Farah, whose ads offer services designed to get remuneration from entities who “deny to pay”, when any 10th grader studying English knows the correct word to use there is obviously “decline”.

Then there’s 1-800 Ask Gary and nobody even knows who the hell Gary is or what he looks like.

So congratulations John Morgan and Morgan & Morgan. You win.

“When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.” – Hans Gruber, 1988