New challenger enters gubernatorial race

A surprise latecomer has declared their intention to run for governor in Florida’s 2022 election.

“My name is Sandy McNipplering and I’m new”, said the mysterious stranger. “I mean, I’m from here, right here in Florida, like my whole life. Otherwise how would I be eligible to run for governor? Ha ha! But you couldn’t possibly have ever heard of me so don’t bother trying to look me up.”

“I love Florida; the palm trees, the surfing, the bagels, the pizza, the Mets. Everything that makes Florida so Florida! I want what’s best for everyone who lives here, even those who stay all year long.”

“I just recently found myself with some unexpected free time on my hands, so here I am”, he said. “And even though I’m new at this, I promise I know how to govern a state. I can’t tell you why that’s true right now, but trust me, it is.”

“Believe me, I’ve gone head-to-head against people like Ron DeSantis – bigger than him, actually – so I know how to handle myself. But, uhh, against people you’ve probably never heard of. Don’t worry about that right now.”

He is joining declared candidates Charlie Crist, U.S. representative for Florida’s 13th congressional district and former Republican governor of Florida, David Nelson Freeman, businessman, Nikki Fried, Florida commissioner of agriculture,
Ivan Graham, dentist, Jonathan Karns, businessman, Amaro Lionheart, filmmaker, Alex Lundmark, real estate agent and candidate for governor in 2018, Timothy Mosley, charity founder and Robert Lee Willis as entrants into the Democratic primary.

“That’s fine”, he said. “Really, I’m a representative of the Non-Ass Grabbing, Un-Hostile Work Environment Party, though. Believe me on that for sure!”