New Locally Produced Food Item Released
Hoping to capitalize on the possibility of Donald Trump winning the 2024 Presidential Election and his anticipated appointment of Robert Kennedy Jr. to a cabinet position influencing nutrition policy, a company in Bradenton that may or may not be known for producing fertilizer has launched a new food product designed to be eaten by humans.
“Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce Plumplers! A savory, inexpensive and satisfying new meal food for eating,” said Kevin Barphterd, a company spokesperson.
“Plumplers is gonna be huge, pun intended. Ha ha,” he said without actually laughing. “Kids are gonna love it. Adults are gonna love it. Heck, I love it and my doctor says I shouldn’t go near it. Ha ha again.”
He went on to explain, “the best thing about Plumplers is that it’s made from just three all-natural ingredients: beef tallow, refined white sugar and salt. No artificial dyes or additives. It’s just naturally that grayish-beige color. It currently comes in three varieties: rich cream sauce, zesty marinara and plain. If your kids are hungry, they won’t be after eating Plumplers. It satisfies all the urges and technically, it’s not less nutritious than a hot dog. What does it taste like? Nothing, really. But somehow it’s still delicious.”
He added, “the best thing about it is it can retail at .08 a can and we’ll still make a profit. Each can will contain approximately 15 pliable, mouth-sized balls of product. Even parents with very little imagination and manual dexterity can delight their children by fashioning the lumps into whimsical shapes like dinosaurs or rounder versions of the balls they already are.”
“The best thing about Plumplers… well, there are a lot of best parts, ha ha… is that from a production standpoint, the beef tallow can be easily replaced with that of undocumented immigrants, if it goes that way,” he said. “And it’s gonna go that way. Victories for Trump all the way around!”
