NYE Parties Desperate to Book Matt Gaetz

Following the release of the House Ethics report on the conduct of Matt Gaetz, local New Years Eve party planners are scrambling to get the former Florida Rep. and President-elect Donald Trump’s first choice to be attorney general to attend their soirées.

“I always thought he was a bad, creepy guy. But now, having read the report, it’s clear I was right,” said Clilda Hopper, who is booking the 30th floor of The Tampa EDITION hotel, a 27-story luxury hotel in the exclusive Water Street District in downtown Tampa for a very exclusive party that will ring in 2025. “But he brings the aesthetic that the people who will be there vibe with. And with Diddy, um, currently unavailable, he’s the guest to get.”

”Most of the people coming to my party don’t get down like that,” she added. “But they want to.”

Rival event planner Che’Fon Eetch, whose competing party will be held in the basement of the abandoned food hall on North Franklin in Tampa Heights, agrees.

“I must get Gaetz,” he exclaimed excitedly. “Besides all the general sinister debauched behavior we’ve all always kind of assumed, because just look at him, the report reveals actual evidence that he paid tens of thousands of dollars to women for sex or drugs on at least 20 occasions, and who doesn’t want to hang out with someone who’s not reluctant to pick up a tab?”

The fact of the matter is that he’s only one man and can’t possibly attend every party that wants him.

”Yeah, I genuinely feel bad for anybody who doesn’t get him,” said Eetch. “As bad as I feel for anybody whoever lost an election to him. Because again, just look at him.”