Project to beautify historic Jackson House proposed

A new plan to restore the historic Jackson House in downtown Tampa has been proposed by one of the city’s wealthiest, most influential and completely made-up arts patrons.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” said Stuart Randerknatz, who is sort of a composite of several real-life people but hopefully doesn’t bare enough of a resemblance to any of them in real life where they could sue us. “I never said ‘restore’; it’s a plan to beautify the place.”

“Because let’s be honest: at this point, it’s basically rubble in the shape of a building. Restoration probably hasn’t been a viable option in decades.”

What Randerknatz, who has long white hair that he keeps in a ponytail and a hot younger wife, wants to propose is a mural to be painted on the former rooming house that provided accommodations to African-Americans and other travelers of African descent during the era of racial segregation, including legendary entertainers like Ray Charles, Ella Fitzgerald and Count Basie among others, some of whom put out records that Randerknatz owns. “That’s why this is such an important cause to me,” he said while pretending to fight back tears. 

He went on to explain while wearing slightly off-white linen clothing like a rich person trying to look like a bean farmer, “Painting murals has become a socially acceptable and colorful way to let people think they’re expressing themselves, and yet doesn’t actually bother anyone like those annoying protests. It’s the closest thing to doing nothing about a problem that still counts as doing something and that makes it a perfectly on-brand, next step to take in this particular process.”