Rick Scott Invited to Throw Out Ceremonial First Illegal Immigrant

In what is largely a conciliatory gesture for being the only Florida weirdo not being considered for a cabinet position with the incoming Trump presidential administration, Florida Senator Rick Scott has been invited to throw the first illegal immigrant out of the country as part of the presidential inauguration on January 20.

“We appreciate Rick’s loyalty and support as demonstrated by his reptilian weirdness and being generally off-putting, but after tabbing Lil’ Marco for Secretary of State and lantern-headed former congressman and youth activities enthusiast Matt Gaetz for attorney general, it’s getting kind of Florida-heavy,” said a spokesperson at Mira Lago. “We still have to find spots for other opportunistically steadfast faithful boot-licking lapdogs like Ted Cruz and Lindsay Graham.”

Scott, grateful just to be considered for inclusion in any social gathering, accepted the offer, although he won’t actually be attending the ceremony in Washington DC. 

“No, the plan right now is for him to be live via satellite from El Paso, Texas, where he’ll kick things off for us by throwing a baby named Juan or Julio or Raheem or something back into Mexico where it had never actually lived, while being accompanied by the stadium organist for the soon-to-be re-re-renamed Washington Redskins playing ‘Jarabe Tapatío‘, the Mexican hat dance song ,” said the spokesperson. “I don’t know. We’ll figure something out. There are a lot of moving parts at this point. One thing we do know for certain is that nobody wants him at any parties we’re having in DC that day.”