Secret Service to Hold Job Fair in Tampa

The United States Secret Service, the federal law enforcement agency that protects the country’s leaders and financial infrastructure, is seeking new recruits and will be holding an open job fair at the Courtyard Tampa Westshore/Airport next Tuesday at 6:30pm.

”We’ve been taking a lot of harsh criticism lately, much of it undeserved but enough of it on-the-nose that it was decided that the organization could indeed benefit from the infusion of some new blood, so to speak,” said Special Agent Steve Skipperson. “We’re looking for people young enough that they’ve never heard of Clint Eastwood, let alone watched him in ‘In the Line of Fire’ at least 14 times.”

He then turned to where a camera might have been set up if we had brought one and delivered a pitch.

”Do you like to wear suits, sunglasses and earpieces? Do you like to say ‘affirmative’ and ‘negative’ instead of ‘yes’ and ‘no’? Do you wish you could communicate with your co-workers in code language, saying things like, ‘the mop is in the bucket… I repeat: the mop is in the bucket’ without that being a reference to your custodial duties? If so, we might have an exciting new career opportunity for you,” he said.

”Oh, and are you willing to die to protect someone you might not even like, and have the public talk shit about you if you ever fall short of that? Because that part is pretty important,” he added, muttering very quietly.