St. Pete Man Confuses Flight Path with Storm Track

Daniel Shipstain of St. Petersburg has become alarmed upon discovering what he believes is the tracking model of a massive hurricane destined to make landfall in Tampa.

“It’s originating in Medelin, Columbia, and headed directly for Tampa International Airport, on an indisputable straight line with no cone of uncertainty,” he said. “This is it, everybody. The big one! Why is literally nobody talking about this?!?”

One possible, and most likely, explanation is that it’s not the projected path of a major, once-in-a-lifetime tropical storm system that he stumbled across on the dark web, but rather a travel route for regularly scheduled flights between Tampa and the Colombian city posted to Facebook.

“I’ll tell you why; it’s because it’s a massive cover-up. You can’t trust the media. You have to do your own research to find out about stuff like this. That’s what I did! It’s a conspiracy between the government, the insurance industry, the media and the airport,” ranted Shipstain. 

“How do I know? Because of what happened to me when I went to the airport to try to bring it to someone’s attention,” he said. “Apparently I’ve been singled out and put on some list as a truth-telling troublemaker.”

“We actually have a long-standing and consistently enforced policy against anyone who tries to climb the fence in order to run around on the tarmac and scream at incoming and outgoing flights like a demented John McClane in ‘Die Hard 2’, regardless of the individual and the message they’re trying to convey,” said airport spokesperson Emma Jo Nipzinger. “Being maced, placed in arm and ankle restraints, detained and charged with a number of federal crimes is just standard protocol.”

“If I die because I’m trapped in airport jail during the hurricane that destroys it, please name the new one after me,” said Shipstain. “The airport, not the jail.”