St. Pete Man: “I Picked the Wrong Week to Become a Billionaire”
Jim Tavish, the owner of several companies in the healthcare industry, learned earlier this week that his personal assets and holdings have pushed his net worth past $1 billion, the culmination of a life-long pursuit, and yet, he’s not happy about it.
“Looks like I picked the wrong week to become a billionaire,” he said, sighing heavily. “Turns out people suddenly don’t love billionaires. Who knew?”
“My entire life has been dedicated to this moment, doing whatever it takes including destroying people and exploiting legal loopholes to acquire more and more, never satisfied with having enough,” he added while attempting to produce tears. “And now I can’t even enjoy the fruits of my labors, which has been exploiting the fruits of other people’s actual labors.”
Tavish’s realization comes on the heels of President-elect Donald Trump filling cabinet positions with at least 11 billionaires with an estimated combined personal wealth of $340 billion, a move that would seem to contradict his campaign’s appeal to working-class voters and accusations that President Joe Biden’s administration was representative of a corrupt governing elite that was cheating ordinary working Americans.
“So now ordinary working Americans are in their feelings about it? Well, that’s just great,” he said, dramatically putting his hands on his hips. “They seem to have forgotten that we’re just lovable, charming, quirky guys like Scrooge McDuck and Dudley Moore as ‘Arthur’. We’re regular guys who enjoy swimming pools full of gold coins, wearing monocles and taking private submarine excursions to explore famous shipwrecks.”
“Now they’re out there shooting CEOs who are mere multimillionaires,” he said, jumping up and down in one place and pulling at the hair on the sides of his head. “Nothing ever goes my way.”
