Tampa Government: “Make Coyote Hazing Great Again”
EDITORS NOTE: Tampa News Force is proud to serve the community as a source of valuable information intended to inform the citizens of the Tampa Bay Area and improve the quality of life for all who make this region their home. For that reason, we are pleased to provide a forum to Darcy Greco, media liaison for the City of Tampa’s Coyote Affairs Department)
With the increase of population in our rural, suburban and urban areas, we are seeing a significant increase of coyotes. Coyotes migrated and have now become naturalized Floridians, changing the hurtful “Florida Man” stigma to the politically correct “Florida Man or Animal”. We want them to feel just as at-home as all the other Yankees and covid replants.
We need to learn to co-exist with our fellow late night owl-eating friends. They are helpful to the community except when they’re not. When confronted with a coyote, we ask that you do not run like a little bitch; stand your ground! If you are about to be attacked, we encourage you to try and scare or haze the animals by waving your hands over your head and yelling loudly. That way we might have a better finial picture of you for our social media page after your inevitable mauling, and/or maybe death.
“How does one properly haze?” you might ask. There are plenty of sites on the internet giving examples that have been removed, so for now try waving your arms, yelling or acting aggressively. You’ll know what to do; we’ve all seen the Bachelorette. Play hard to get. That’s the best way to get an unreciprocated response. Usually this will cause the coyote to retreat (like most men), unless they don’t because they’ve gotten both their vaccinations and have passed the two weeks marker. We blame video games and movies for their boldness and definitely that disgusting Duggar pedo. Turns out 19 kids and counting was just the feds going through his work computer.
Desensitized coyotes are nothing new. They may have lost their fear of humans and probably our government, and at the very least respect for us. Don’t be surprised if you see them panhandling on street corners. Please do not feed them. Feedings will only upset them further and we will have to listen to their complaints about our pizza not being as good as the deep dish from Giuseppe’s Pizzeria back home.
So remember leave these mid-sized, 30 pound (Florida heat + bikini bodies + extra curricular activities), mangy hair, canines alone because this land was made for you and me, and coyotes. And if you do get attacked (and live to tell about it), we have plenty of plastic surgeons to make you great, again.
To report unusual coyote activity, call the FWC at (863) 648-3200.