Tampa Man Slightly Inconvenienced for a Little While by Weather

Austin Asspergas of Tampa finds himself without anything to do today because of Hurricane Helene and he’s not happy about it.

“No place I want to go is open,” he whined, after finding three different potential destinations closed. “This sucks.”

Asspergas has fully functional televisions, stereos, video game systems, a laptop computer and even some books in his 18th floor apartment in the Channelside district in downtown Tampa which didn’t even lose power, but somehow he decided that he’s bored and wanted to get something to eat at Ulele, which announced on Facebook Wednesday that they would be closed. He encountered similar situations at two other places he tried.

Adding to his dissatisfaction is the fact that his girlfriend Amber declined his invitation to drive around and find somewhere to hang out that “isn’t a fucking Waffle House.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, there’s a bad storm and people are trying to be safe. Blah blah blah,” he simpered. “But what about me and me, not to mention me and also I and myself? Did anybody think about that? Apparently not.”

All government institutions, businesses, entertainment venues, restaurants and stores that are closed today and will reopen tomorrow contacted Tampa News Force to confirm that they did not consider him or his social calendar as pertinent factors when making their decisions.