Tampa Man Still Thinking About Successful Bowel Movement

Ted Quiffels of Tampa had a very satisfying bowel movement yesterday morning and he’s still thinking about it a day later.

“I keep replaying it in my mind, from start to finish,” he said while eating breakfast at Village Inn. “The whole thing was just flawless.”

“Honestly, I’d have to say it was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life,” he added.

Stopping just short of going into graphic detail he said, “I really can’t think of a single aspect that could have been improved upon. Every criteria you would take into consideration when evaluating something like that. 10s across the board”, which was still way too much information.

“Afterward, I felt complete and energized. Like I could do anything I set my mind to. Anything,” he offered unsolicited to a restaurant server who fortunately had no idea what he was talking about, and as a result was happy for him. 

“You know what’s really, really good? Simone Biles’ consistently outstanding performance in the Olympics,” he said to her. “You know what’s better than that? My bowel movement yesterday.”

She then left his check on the table and made a mental note to look into night classes at Hillsborough Community College.