Tampa Woman’s Insurance Only Covers Treatment at Places That Used to Be 7-Elevens

Following lower back surgery, Tampa’s Ellen Robertson is dismayed to learn her insurance will only cover further treatment and therapy from providers who operate out of old 7-Eleven stores.

“We had to draw the line somewhere and this is where we drew it because we have standards,” said insurance representative Glenn Lickballs. “And it can’t be just any abandoned 7-Eleven. They have to be in certain, let’s call them ethnically diverse neighborhoods, where that’s probably at least partially the reason why the 7-Eleven closed.”

“Pain clinics located within abandoned Circle Ks are considered out of network and therefore ineligible,” he explained further. “That’s because abandoned Circle Ks are for vape shops, weed dispensaries and Circle Ks.”

He then leaned forward and asked, “Can I tell you a secret?”

“The insurance industry is the most powerful thing in the universe. You know it. We know it. Everybody knows it. Doctors have the power to save a human life? Not necessarily, if we have something to say about it,” he said. “And we do.”

“But having all that power makes us a little bored sometimes, so occasionally we’ll just do something to mess with people. For the sake of our own amusement,” he said. “I’m not saying that’s what’s happening in Mrs. Robertson’s case. But it is pretty funny.”