TECO Pledges to Execute an Employee Every Time Power Goes Out this Summer

With tomorrow, June 1st, being the official start of what is expected to be yet another busy hurricane season, Tampa Electric (TECO) says they are committed to providing the best possible service experience, regardless of adverse weather conditions.

“And in order to demonstrate how seriously we take that commitment, we’d like to announce that every time a customer suffers a power outage, we will summarily execute a TECO staff member,” said company spokesperson Suzanne Whiffletwitz. “It could be Roy, one of our hard-working power line crewmen or Becky, who does top-notch work in accounts receivable. Heck, it could be me! We won’t know who it will be unless it happens, at which point someone will be selected at random to be taken out on to Franklin Street and shot by a member of our Quality Control and Severe Consequences Team. So hopefully it never happens.”

”I’d like to mention that the offer is only open to TECO customers whose accounts are current and also that many of us have families, including young children who need both their parents at this point in their lives,” she said, beginning to tremble. “Also, you would have to lodge a complaint about your service being disrupted, which you don’t have to do unless you want to, since, you know, lives are literally at stake here. You do know we can’t control the weather, right? It’s not really something we should be held responsible for, especially those of us who aren’t power line crewmen. Sorry, Roy.”

“But just know that every time you have to reset a clock or throw away some spoiled yogurt because we failed to keep your power on during any named tropical storm this summer, someone will die. Because we value our customers.”