Would-Be Insurrectionist Furious at Liberals for Ruining His Vacation

Doug Vranberry, a Tampa man who didn’t storm the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021 but was looking forward to doing so on January 6, 2025, is extremely angry with liberal voters for not winning the 2024 Presidential Election.

“Well, that’s just great. Thanks a lot, commie pedos,” he said bitterly. “This time you’ve gone too damn far with your cancel culture.”

“The only way you were ever going to beat Trump is by cheating,” he continued talking to me as if it were all my fault. “And since you can’t even cheat right, I’m stuck with a week off work and a non-refundable, non-transferable airplane ticket to Washington DC.”

“I was really looking forward to meeting a bunch of likeminded patriots and taking a shit on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s desk,” he added. “Instead, all there is to do up there is visit a bunch of historic sites where this country was forged. How is being bored-to-death patriotic?!”

“What am I supposed to do now? Devote my attention and energy to making this country as good a place as possible for every citizen, even those with whom I fundamentally disagree because ultimately we all live in the greatest nation on earth, or if not that, spending time with my wife and kids?”, he asked. “Fuck you.”