You Choose Who Dies: Sharks or Bees?

Sharks and bees are arguably two of nature’s most valuable species and they’re both having difficulty surviving these days, due in large part to human beings, arguably nature’s least valuable species. 

Let’s pretend that you actually feel bad about that AND care enough to do more than shake your head sadly and say, “someone (else) should do something” but you can only save one species, either sharks or bees but not both. Which one is it going to be? 

While it’s highly unlikely that you’re the one who is ever going to be faced with having to make this particularly difficult decision, it’s not impossible. So we’ve designed a handy reference guide to help you choose…

Which is more sting-y? BEES – Bees have exactly one self-defense tactic and it’s stinging you. They won’t do it without being provoked, unlike hornets, wasps, or mosquitoes, aka nature’s dickheads, but bees are kind of dumb and sometimes they don’t know you’re not trying to harm them so sometimes you’re going to get stung.

Which is more stingy? SHARKS – Sharks are notorious for never picking up a check, always coming up with some BS excuse like, “I don’t get paid til NEXT Friday”. Yeah, whatever sharks.

Which has better movies? SHARKS – This isn’t even close. From the classic horror monster Bruce in “Jaws” to the family-friendly lovable goof Bruce in “Finding Nemo”, every movie with sharks in it is awesome. However, every movie about bees is pretty lame. 

Which makes sweeter food out of its own puke? BEES – My understanding, which I admit is limited, is that sharks eat anything and probably never puke. If they do, it’s going to be mostly fish and squids and octopi. Whereas a bee’s purpose on this Earth is to puke delicious honey until it dies. 

Which one is better at flying? BEES – But just barely. Sharks can’t fly at all (you should know that already, duh) but bees don’t exactly soar majestically through the stratosphere like eagles, opting instead for a kind of airborne staggering around a few feet off the ground. The exception for sharks is those stupid Sharknado movies that are still better than that Jerry Seinfeld cartoon about bees. 

Which one is better at swimming? SHARKS – Sharks live in water (again, duh) and have to remain in near-constant motion or they sink and die so they’ve gotten really good at swimming. Bees frequently drown in shallow puddles and bird baths. 

Which makes better pets? NEITHER – Are you a character that exists only in cartoons or children’s literature? If the answer is no, you can’t have a pet bee. Are you a South American drug lord or a world famous hip-hop artist? If the answer is no, you can’t have a pet shark.

There’s all the pertinent facts you need to make this crucial choice. Hopefully, this will make your decision about which species to destroy easier. If not, just keep doing what you’re already doing to kill them both off.