10 People You Wish Died in the Hurricane who Didn’t

People died during the most recent hurricane (insert hurricane name), but it’s never the people you want to die is it? No, it’s not. Here’s a list of the people who didn’t die that you wish did.

Derrick

Ugh, when will something take that guy out. He sexually assaults everyone he’s around, he punches old people in the face, he robs disabled people, there’s really no good qualities with this guy. I saw him steal a church offering plate and then shoot at the pastor, it was messed up. Anyways, he’s still alive.

Aldis Mungreen

Aldis didn’t die in the storm, but we all wish he did. He physically took some things out of the dumbwaiter in my house and I never got them back. He told my ex girlfriend I had AIDS and then convinced her she was going to die soon so he could sleep with her, unprotected. I just really have a bone to pick with that guy. Ugh. He’s fine and thriving right now, in fact he inherited 20 million dollars recently and is doing better than ever.

Kaplin Orkney

Kap, we call him, did not die in the hurricane. He’s universally hated around town. He was responsible for 9/11, he took credit and everything, but his dad is the manager at a Tires Plus so he was able to get out of it. He also started the War in Gaza that’s currently raging today. But did the hurricane kill Kap? Nooo, of course it didn’t, it only killed people we really loved. Gosh it really burns my beans that the good die and the evil live. Lord please shift the tides and change the never ending suffering to at least be in the favor or public interested. We know that the aliens feed off of human suffering, but can you please just make the suffering come from bad people? Thank you. Kap recently got drafted first overall in the NFL draft, so that sucks.

Denver McNugget

It’s hard for me to even type that name out I have so much trauma associated with it. They’ve done things I can’t even speak on, and of course they did not die in the hurricane. What happened to them during the hurricane? You guessed it, they won the Powerball jackpot of 1.2 billion dollars and bought up every house in my neighborhood so now I’m surrounded by their properties. This is someone we all could have benefitted from losing in the hurricane.

Alright, that’s it, can you imagine me writing 10 full names and descriptions for this? I’m sure you can because I’ve written much dumber and extensive articles so it should be no surprise that I would. Ok, maybe a couple more.

Jasper Union

Jasper Union planted criminal evidence in my car before I drove to the airport and got me banned from flying for life. He won a presidential medal of freedom during the hurricane. It seems like everyone on this list who is a certifiably bad person instead have triumphed and succeeded in every facet of their life while I’m here struggling. Life’s not fair and nobody said it was.

Gander Milinii

Gander was actually the roman guard who poked Jesus Christ with the spear to kill him while he was bleeding out on the cross. Yea, he’s lived for over 2,024 years now, and he lived in the path of the hurricane, and he actually signed a 10-picture deal with RKO so that chaps my bum. Especially because I’ve been haunting the hallways of RKO begging anyone to read my spec script. But not one person has, and I’ve been trespassed several times. And to add biscuits to donuts, that very same script I had been pedaling recently come out under the name “Megalopolis.” Just my luck.