Billionaire opens literal shell company by the beach

Joyner Peretti, one of Florida’s richest men, has launched a literal shell company by Pass-a-Grille beach, selling shells by the ocean.

“Yea, I find shells on the beach I sell them for $2,000 each, I don’t care if anyone buys them or not.” Stated Peretti firmly.

“Are people buying your shells?” I asked.

“Yes, by the thousands.” Peretti said, although no one was in or near his shell shop.

“I’ve spent a few hours at your shop each day for the last week for this story and I haven’t seen one person enter the store or buy a shell.” I said, pushing back a bit.

“They come. They buy shells. We are very profitable.” Peretti said, folding his arms and staring at me through his sunglasses.

“Ok… Whatever you say.” I said, shrugging, and then turning to leave his store.

Suddenly a car in the parking lot of the IHOP across the street exploded just as a man attempted to start the engine.

“Whoa!” I yelled, looking back at Peretti who was standing on the porch of his shell shop.

“That was crazy!” I said.

“Yes, crazy things happen sometimes.” Peretti said with no emotion.

I got home that night and I masturbated. A few times. I didn’t want to, I really trudged through it. But I don’t have a partner so I had no other option. The doctor says if you don’t masturbate every so often you’re going to get kidney quartz, which is like kidney stones, but they’re shiny and they hurt more.

While I was masturbating I couldn’t help but think about that car that exploded across the street. I couldn’t help but think about how the guy was driving the same car that I owned, a 2002 Toyota Tercel in lime green with a giant airbrushed drawing of a manga woman with large breasts on the front. I thought about how interesting it was that he had the same car as me because I’ve never seen anyone else own such a vehicle.

Then I started to wonder if that bomb was meant for me and it had been put on the wrong car.

But then I fell asleep because I was tired after masturbating.

So I went to the gas station and grabbed one of those unmarked plastic pouches of energy pills and crushed them up and poured the powder into a Monster energy drink. I drank the Monster while I hung out in the gas station bathroom, like I normally would, because that’s my quiet place where I like to relax. Just the stench of used diapers by the changing station and all-you-can-read bathroom graffiti which really just puts me at ease.

The floor was covered in sand, per usual, because the Exxon station I hang out at is only a block away from the beach. 

While I was in my favorite stall, sitting on the toilet, slowly sipping my jacked up Monster energy drink, I heard someone walk into the bathroom who had the same sounding footsteps as Joyner Peretti.

I lifted my legs up, so Peretti couldn’t look under the stall and see me sitting there, and I heard him talking on his bluetooth headset.

“We put the bomb on the wrong car. That nosey fake journalist is going to find out that my literal shell company is also a figurative shell company as well. And that I’m just using it to wash money that I’m receiving through opium sales.”

I gasped really loudly and Peretti stopped his conversation and began looking under the stalls.

I kept my legs up but he got down and stuck his whole head under my stall and saw me sitting there, still sipping my drink.

We made eye contact and he sneezed, probably from having his head so close to the sand-covered floor.

I took this chance to jump over the top of the stall and exit the gas station bathroom and hop back into my un-exploded Toyota Tercel.

I drove as fast as I could to my second favorite bathroom stall across town that I also like to unwind in.

This time my heart was racing, probably from the custom Monster drink I make, and I was fumbling around on my phone trying to figure out what to do.

I couldn’t think of anything.

So I called one of those psychic hotlines and asked them what I should do.

They told me I should get into the opium business and just start selling my products through Peretti so then he won’t kill me if I share my profits.

So I did that. And now we have a totally new shell company on the other side of the beach where we also sell more shells for high prices.

And that’s that! 

Is that how you thought this would end?

Did you read to the end?

Is it over?

Yes!