Accused US Capitol insurrectionist Adam Johnson of Parrish has confiscated the Lombardi Trophy, won by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Super Bowl LV earlier this month, and has returned it to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.
“I’ve recently learned the importance of handling property with care. especially if that property doesn’t belong to you”, Johnson said. “I know now that it’s bad. Very, very bad.”
“I’m not just a patriot, I’m a fan. But not a Patriots fan”, said Johnson. “Seeing Tom Brady casually tossing the Super Bowl trophy around out there at the celebratory boat parade enraged me. I just love that trophy so much! I recognized that our quarterback, who has won it seven times, should not be trusted with it. That’s why I took it upon myself to do something about it.”
“So I guess I’m a hero now, right? Right? Can we take off this ankle bracelet, please?”