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Bad band banned

Ant and the Aunts

A Tampa rock and roll band has found themselves banned from playing a number of live music venues following one disastrous gig at Fisherman’s Pub.

“It sucks that these places just can’t deal with our realness,” said Antoni ‘Ant’ Antininon, lead singer for Ant and The Aunts. “Censorship is alive and well in Tampa. At least on North Nebraska Avenue between Busch and Fowler. Sad!”

“Yeah, it sucks, but I can’t say I’m surprised,” said bassist Leo Leonovitz. “I knew we were in trouble with the name of the band. We’re five dudes. How can we be ‘aunts’?”

“I told you guys a hundred times,” explained Antininon. “We’re tapping into a whole gender-bending thing, like what was big in the ’80s.”

“And we told you a hundred times, nobody says ‘gender-bending’ anymore,” said guitarist Keith ‘Killer’ Kleinschmidt. “Because that’s insensitive to trans and non-binary people. And also because it’s not the fucking ’80s!”

“I don’t know why we couldn’t just be The Antz. Like the bug but spelled with a Z at the end,” said keyboardist Dit Zithers.

“Bands named after bugs suck,” responded Antininon. “I mean, for me as a nickname it makes sense. Because it’s my name but shortened. Bands named after insects never make it.”

“The Beatles did okay,” muttered Zithers softly.

“Beetles the insects are spelled with two E’s, goddamnit!!” screamed Antininon in frustration.

“You guys are all missing the real point, which is that we suck. The audience let us know that,” said drummer Carl Claphandle. “We should have never accepted bookings before at least one of us knew how to play an instrument. A clearance sale at Guitar Center is not a good reason to form a band. Maybe if we were 14, sure. But we’re all in our 40s. We should have known better.”

“The fact that I’m the drummer and I’m the only one in the band with a grasp on reality should be a red flag,” he added.

Future scheduled appearances by Ant and The Aunts at Fisherman’s Pub, Liquor Depot, Faded Ape Mushroom Dispensary, The ‘Why Not’ Bar, Karib, J&A Infinity Ink Tattoo Shop and the Byte Federal Bitcoin ATM at The Pink Pussycat Lounge have all been canceled. Refunds are NOT available because no tickets were sold. A band from Carrollwood called New Gnu News will replace them.

Clark Brooks

About Clark Brooks

Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. Comedian, writer and ordained minister. Twitter: @ClarkBrooks | Instagram:@ClarkBrooks54