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Action figure causes twenty million children to kill themselves

Action Figure

The new Super Ducky Skateboard doll has lead to the deaths of over twenty million children aged 2-17 over the course of 6 months.

Ever since its release, the Super Ducky Skateboard doll has created unrealistic skateboarding standards that children just cannot replicate, no matter how hard they try or train.

“The doll is able to do a triple backflip off it’s little ramp when you wind it up, so it’s caused kids across the world to attempt this stunt, to no avail.”

Said Jenn Itals, social psychologist for the US Government, pediatric services branch.

“The phenomenon is not new, many toys have led kids to attempt dangerous acts, including the Bubble Boingy Bingo doll which, when you wind it up, rips its on skeleton out through it’s mouth. This caused children to try and pull their skeletons from their own mouths. Without me needing to tell you, it was a global failure when it came to their attempts. We also saw something like this with the Menujo Klump Dump doll which when you placed batteries in it’s back, would climb to the top of 40-story buildings and jump off, landing on it’s rubber-insoled shoes, unscathed and upright. Again, we lost generations of children to this toy. Will we ban these toys? No. Because the toy companies lobby Washington and donate lots of money to people in power so there will be no change, this statement is simply just a hallow act to make it look like we’re acknowledging the issue and doing something about it, when that is simply not the case. We figure when we fill pages with words that quells victims rage because they see long paragraphs and think we’re making thoughtful statements when it fact that could not be further from the truth. We are simply running a strategy to disable our opposition’s rage.” Said Itals in a beautifully deranged and disingenuous monologue.

“Families of victims affected by the doll who’s name escapes me at the moment, will be receiving a free coupon for a new toy, the Umberto Prickly Needles doll, an action figure which comes completely covered in medically-used hypodermic needles, fresh from the waste basket. The toy is a product of a collaboration between Mudlands Skate Park and Genesis Clothing Group, two extremely limited and sought after brands, so we expect these dolls will resell for upwards of $10,000, despite whatever negative effects these toys might have on the children playing with them.” Snapped Itals, before loudly shutting her briefcase and then leaving the briefing hall and getting into a Rolls Royce SUV.

Non-certified, modern, uncredited, “loony” doctors, who the Government have not vetted are telling people to, “stay as far away from these dangerous toys as you can. They will always hurt you. There is no safe way to play with these toys.” And asking questions like, “How have these been made in the first place? Who would green-light projects so aggressively unsafe and utterly terrifying? Who is benefitting from the mass loss of life associated with playing with these toys?” These critics are being called “scammers” and “haters, because they couldn’t get their hands on any of these exclusive toys.”

Whether you continue to play with these dolls or not, all we can ask of you from Tampa News Force is, please film it if you do and send the footage to us with a signed release form giving us the legal ability to edit them into a compilation.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds