The newest development in the coronavirus pandemic hits home for the Tampa Bay Area. It was announced today by Mitch Wolfe MD, the CDC’s Chief Medical Officer, that the coronavirus did not originate in China as previously thought. It actually originated right here in Tampa and it’s all because of that bitch, Carole Baskin.
”I just want to apologize to China and to the Chinese people who have been unfairly and ruthlessly judged because we thought CODVID-19 originated from a Chinese citizen eating an infected bat. It turns out bats are completely safe to eat and we have just been being total dicks about it.” Dr. Wolfe said solemnly at a CDC press conference at Tampa General Hospital.
I was fortunate enough to be in attendance, as all correspondents for Tampa News Force are considered essential.
“How did you come to the conclusion that this started with Carole Baskin?” I asked. “Well when you take human bones, meth, and sardine oil and mix it all together you get coronavirus. And everyone knows that bitch Carole Baskin fed her husband to the tigers.” Dr. Wolfe replied.
“How can you be sure?” I inquired.
“Listen, I’m a fucking Doctor ok? And don’t you have Netflix??!?!” Dr. Wolfe replied raising his voice at me.
“No, TNF doesn’t really pay that well, or at all.” I replied.
I then went home and had bat tacos for dinner.