A 5-year-old boy in Seffner is refusing to clean his room after he told his parents he has, “transcended chores,” and that those type of duties are no longer part of his new life.
“We told him to clean his room and in a very zen state he said the has ‘transcended chores’ and that he lives on a wavelength that vibrates higher than housework and that we should not suggest such a thing to him again.” Said Mendelson Quimbley, the child’s androgynous father.
“This is all probably because of that new Bud Light beer can that features a trans woman on it.” Shook Quimbley’s head, distraught by the issue.
“See, I’m a non-binary A-sexual man, and I’ve been trying to force my values on my son for a long time, and his mother, who abandoned us days after he was born, has been replaced by a vacuum that I put lipstick on and have sex with, so I feel like he has some latent hatred towards me that he doesn’t really understand or know how to process, and seeing me drinking those new Bud Lights I think was the last straw and he’s ‘transcended’ above the reality he currently lives in and… wait.”
Quimbley froze and pondered something.
“Transcended… Trans, ended. He’s saying he wants to end trans people’s rights! He’s going to be grounded!”
Quimbley then stormed out of his home’s living room where I was conducting the interview and stomped up stairs to where I assume his child’s room was.
I could hear him yelling for a little bit, before the child came down the steps without his father.
“My father has been abducted by aliens.” The zen child said.
“His thought-structure imploded during our conversation, and the aliens which monitor our universe broke their code of never interfering, and interfered in the situation, taking my father away from me. They told me they were going to return with my father in 3 years and he would be fixed.” The little boy said with a calmness that could only come from a true sociopath.
“Of course that’s what happened!” I said in nervous agreement.
I then ran out of the house when the boy turned his head and got into my car.
And as crazy as the little genius boy sounded, as I drove away I did see what looked like a fleet of UFOs above the house, so maybe all that stuff he said really did happen.
Oh, yea also, I mentioned in another article I was going to prove that I can do whatever I want in these articles and I was going to do so by typing the word “Lebanon” over and over again. So here goes.
Lebanon, Lebanon, Lebanon Lebanon Lebanon Lebanon Lebanon Lebanon. And look some times I used commas and sometimes I didn’t. That’s how crazy I am! Watch this. WoRd DoCuMeNt.
I alternated capital letters! Isn’t that reckless! I’m off the hinges! Alright, anyways, that’s the whole article, and I should probably stop announcing articles are over and go back to figuring out ways to finish a story the traditional way, through, you know, story telling, and syntax and such. I’m not even sure exactly what syntax is, I’ve just heard it associated with writing many times. At least I’m being honest with you and not pretending I know everything I’m doing. I’m learning as the days go by just like you are. I’m a slow learner though. I don’t really like having to be told anything, I hate people telling me stuff for the most part, unless I’m interested in the subject. If people try to teach me things I don’t want to learn, I hate it.
I didn’t want to start a new paragraph but the computer screen starts shaking when the paragraph gets too long. I’ve mentioned that before, but I wanted you to know I had a lot more to say in that paragraph but I couldn’t handle the shaking. I don’t like discomfort. Nobody does. Some people pretend to like it. Or maybe they do, shit, who am I to say I know anything definitely. Nothing is definitive. Except for like, math, and spelling maybe? Maybe there’s more things that are definitive, like big fishes are dolphinitive. Ahhh see what I did there? Of course you did, you just read it, why am I asking you that? Rhetorical questions are dumb, right guys?
Ok, perfect time to end the article! On a joke! Go for it John, get out of here while it’s still hot! Don’t waste any more of people’s times. Leave before they get angry! Alright, goodnight guys, have a great whatever the hell you’re having right now.