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Custody battle over Gronk looming

Who gets Gronk?

With the sudden retirement of Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady, a number of questions have arisen about what happens next regarding a number of situations, one of which is who will take custody of tight end and unrepentant frat boy-for-life Rob Gronkowski.

“Gronk is someone who needs structure in his life. With Brady gone, somebody has to step up and provide that for him,” said therapist Mike Rivers, an expert on family dynamics. “He’s the most likely future NFL Hall of Famer to stick a fork in an electrical outlet, resulting in injuries he would most likely survive. But still.”

A number of options are available, some better suited than others.

“Coach Arians would seem like the best choice, being as he is an authority figure with whom Gronk is already familiar,” Rivers said. “In my opinion, he provides the best chance for Gronk to not only survive but flourish.”

“Another option is recently retired Bucs Super Fan Big Nasty,” Rivers said. “He’s going to have more time on his hands now and would probably be more of a big brother than a father, but that would still be relatively healthy.”

Complicating things is the Glazer family, who owns the Buccaneers and pockets revenue from every nickel that passes through Raymond James Stadium. Legally, they may have a valid claim that they actually own Gronkowski and do whatever they want with him.

A wildcard outlier could be Florida Senator Rick Scott, who may see himself as a wealthy guardian like Daddy Warbucks or Bruce Wayne. Scott is said to be actively seeking someone to groom as a successor to his stolen Medicare-funded evil reptile empire in the highly unlikely event that he ever dies. Gronkowski is neither evil nor a reptile, but Scott has a high-yet-possibly-misplaced level of confidence in his ability to warp impressionable minds.

Clark Brooks

About Clark Brooks

Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. Comedian, writer and ordained minister. Twitter: @ClarkBrooks | Instagram:@ClarkBrooks54