DeSantis declares Mons Venus essential business

Three days after declaring World Wrestling Entertainment to be an essential business, allowing them to continue to operate, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has bestowed the same status on Tampa’s Mons Venus gentleman’s club.

“As the curve continues to flatten and the Coronavirus continues to magically disappear, just like President Trump said it would, it’s time we start resuming a normal way of life”, the governor said.

I asked him if this applied to all strip clubs and he said no. “Take that place across the street; the 2001. It has a spaceship on top. Come on. That’s a place of whimsy, not serious business. The Mons is a place where lonely losers pretend they’re having the times of their lives, giving money to dirty skanks. For it not to be open removes a huge part of Tampa’s identity, like closing Tampa Theatre and Busch Gardens”, he said citing two Tampa institutions that are currently closed. “Whether people realize it or not, whether they patronize it or no, whether they’re employed there in some fashion or not, the people of Tampa need the Mons Venus to be open.”

When asked for comment, Mons Venus owner Joe Redner said, “This changes nothing. I didn’t vote for that moron before he started wearing gloves incorrectly and I’m not going to vote for his dumb ass now.”

With the WWE being granted essential status, now Mons Venus and talk of beaches possibly reopening soon, he was asked if there was a strategy to what entities are being looked at and when they should re-open, DeSantis smiled, wrinkled his eyes and rubbed his hands together like a raccoon. “Well, I guess you’ll just have to stay tuned in and see, won’t you? It’s kind of like an advent calendar; what will today’s treat be? What fun!”