DeSantis fixes controversial sculpture

Following an incident for which a Tallahassee private school’s principal was forced to resign due to parents complaining that a photo of Michaelangelo’s Renaissance masterpiece sculpture of David being shown to students was “pornographic”, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has taken it upon himself to remedy the situation for the benefit of all concerned.

“There. All set,” he said gesturing happily to the statue covered with a print of Cassius Marcellus Coolidge’s 1894 painting ‘Dogs Playing Poker’. “Now everyone can enjoy it without some giant’s ivory cock and balls in their face!”

“Oops, there might be kids seeing this. I meant to say without some giant’s alabaster dong hanging in their face.”

“Yeah, fixing stuff is kind of my thing. I guess you could say I have a knack for it,” he said. “Just look at how I fixed Disney!”

DeSantis apparently flew to Italy with a stepladder and visited Florence’s Galleria dell’Accademia, which houses the sculpture, climbed up and stapled the print to the 17′ tall marble statue himself, against the wishes of the gallery’s administrators.

“Ay, whatta you doing uppa there?!?” they presumably shouted in shamefully stereotypical Italian accents. “You crazy American! You toucha the David, we smasha you face!” They were forcibly subdued by the governor’s security detail before they could intervene.

“Art is only good if everybody likes it and there is no way anybody doesn’t like this,” said DeSantis, beaming with pride. “Look at how happy those dogs are. They’re having the time of their lives! They’re smoking cigars and drinking whiskey and they’re doing it without their red rocket dicks hanging out.”

“Excuse me, kids; I meant to refer to their red rocket schlongs hanging out,” he said, as he boarded the plane back to Florida while eating spaghetti with his fingers. “Blech! This tastes like shit. Doesn’t this place have an Olive Garden?”