DeSantis issues arrest warrant for Amanda Gorman

Florida Governor and quasi-2024 Presidential candidate Ron Deantis issued an immediate arrest warrant for poet and activist Amanda Gorman, the first person to be named National Youth Poet Laureate late yesterday afternoon.

“First, before any of you pains-in-my-ass media hacks say anything, it’s not because she’s Black”, he said in announcing the news to the assembled pains-in-his-ass media hacks. “That’s just a bonus.”

“Secondly, it’s more of a bounty than an arrest warrant. I’m not saying to kill her, but some borderline law-abiding second amendment adherent could cash in, if you know what I mean”, he added while winking in a less-than-subtle conspiratorial fashion.

A grade school in Miami-Dade County said “The Hill We Climb,” a poem written by Ms. Gorman and which she read at President Biden’s inauguration in 2021, was restricted from younger students after a parent complained about it. The complaint against the poem was lodged in March by Daily Salinas, a parent of two students at the school, and lists its author as Oprah Winfrey, not Ms. Gorman. It says that the function of the work is to “cause confusion and indoctrinate students.”

“Whoa! Maybe we better issue one of these for this Oprah character too”, said DeSantis. “She didn’t write this thing but she’s being credited as the author? That’s plagiarism. She sounds like a real troublemaker.”

He went on to explain the motivation behind issuing the warrant/bounty.

“Look, I’m already on record as to how I feel about white people having to feel uncomfortable about racial matters. But beyond that, how is she a poet? I’ve attempted to read some of her other poems and they don’t even rhyme”, he said. “Like if she wrote a poem about a man from Nantucket, it probably wouldn’t even be about autofellatio.”

Ms. Gorman is reportedly aware of the edict issued by DeSantis and is currently being granted refuge by the operators of an underground network of coffee shop poetry slam open mics.