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New College Unveils Conservative Arts Major

New College

After recent changes to Sarasota’s New College of Florida, the newly installed leadership has announced an updated curriculum to include a Conservative Arts Major to replace Liberal Arts.

“The days of liberal indoctrination at Florida College campuses are over,” said New College Dean of Academics, Richie Cockring.  “From now on, New College students won’t be some sissy kids without marketable life skills.”

Cockring then took me on a tour of the college, introducing me to all the newest students and faculty.

“We’re giving these young adults the necessary skills to survive in a conservative world,” said Cockring. “Our new curriculum will focus on making sure women stay in the kitchen to raise children while men chew tobacco and beat them.”

Cockring then let me sit in during a lecture by the new Alpha History Studies professor, Nick Adams. The new class will give students a crash course on how to be complete dirtbags on Twitter.

“This is going to come in handy whenever students want to spend their time being huge pieces of shit on the internet,” said Cockring. “That’s our new motto for Conservative Arts students.”

Cockring then handed me a Bud Light. 

“I know I’m not supposed to be drinking these because of that trans spokesperson but I can’t quit the delicious taste on Anheuser Busch’s Bud Light.” Cockring then chugged his beer and crushed the can on his head. 

After letting out a loud burp, Cockring tried to toss me another can of Bud Light.  I wasn’t ready for it but tried catching it anyway.  The can pushed my fingers into my palm and my thumb. I yelled in pain and Cockring laughed.

New College of Florida in Sarasota is now accepting new applications for students who are preferably white, rich and bad at thinking critically.

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos