DeSantis to star in big budget, sci-fi biopic

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will star in a new film being shot in Tampa, about Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

“It’s the story of how I singlehandedly saved Planet Florida”, he said. “It’s called Doontz!”

“He’s mispronouncing the title, but yeah”, clarified Joe Hambrush, one of the film’s writers and producers.

DeSantis went on to excitedly detail the film’s plot. “In the futuristic world of the year 2018, DunceSantis, played by me, is assigned by the Florida electorate to replace Rickus Scotticus as fief ruler of Planet Florida. Planet Florida is a harsh swamp planet and the only source of ‘spice’, a valuable-yet-inexpensive substance produced on the planet’s hostile outer moon of Pasco. It extends human vitality and is more legal than marijuana. However, Dark Emperor Brandon, who is sneaky and tricky, intends to manipulate House Liberal into staging a coup to retake the planet with aid of the ANTIFA troops, eradicating the hero DunceSantis, again; me, whose influence, brain and handsomeness threatens Brandon. But DukeSantis triumphs in the end, earning the love and respect of Lord Trumpenstein.”

“Right. No”, said Hambrush. “It’s an independent documentary where we follow DeSantis around and chronicle just how inept and out of touch with his constituents he is, but he’s giving us access and paying for it with all of the state’s annual film budget, which we didn’t even ask for, so we’re letting him think whatever he wants.”

“So far they haven’t shot anything with me battling any giant sand worms. I guess that’ll all be CGI. That stands for ‘Computerized'”, said DeSantis. “It’s gonna be awesome!”

“Yeah, that probably won’t be his opinion when he actually sees the finished film”, said Hambrush. “But by then, the money will have been spent and we’ll be back home in Atlanta, so who cares?”