DeSantis victory tour among events not getting cancelled in spite of rise in COVID cases

With reported cases of COVID-19 more than doubling in the state of Florida last week, speculation is rising that the return of certain preventative restrictions might be necessary and imminent. 

Regardless, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis said that one event that will definitely not be postponed or cancelled is his self-congratulatory victory tour. 

“I did it, everybody! I kicked COVID’s ass! Just like I said I would,” he said from the back seat of a white convertible, passing through Oak Grove Cemetery in Tampa. “I’m awesome!”

There were 29,568 new cases reported between December 10 and December 16 according to the state’s weekly report, compared to 13,530 cases reported in the previous seven-day period, an increase of 118 percent in one week.

“This tour is not just about me celebrating how great I am by talking about how great I am, but also features my ongoing efforts to perform auto-fellatio while smelling my own farts. More importantly, it’s providing hope and optimism for our citizens. It’s telling everyone that we’re conducting business as usual here in The Sunshine State,” DeSantis said. “I don’t care what the numbers say; we didn’t shut down before and we’re not going to shut down now. That’s why we’re in the position we’re in today!”

“Florida is open for business!” he said, gesturing to all the open grassy areas that don’t have graves yet.