DeSantis vows to hold whomever responsible for out-of-season storm

Following unseasonably severe weather conditions with rain and high winds that struck Florida yesterday, Florida Governor, 2024 Presidential hopeful and women’s raingear aficionado Ron DeSantis has promised to seek retribution against whomever is responsible.

“We have a very clearly defined six-month tropical storm season in Florida and it’s June 1st through November 30th every year,” he said in remarks from Hillsborough Bay. “If you’re going to do your storming, we give you a whole half of a year to do that. That’s plenty of time. Now here it is, what, almost a whole month after that? Unacceptable and I promise you, somebody is going to pay for it. This is almost as bad a screw job as the FSU thing.”

“In Florida, everything is awesome because we have a code and we follow rules because if we don’t, people die and you can’t handle the truth”, he said, kind of quoting Jack Nicholson as Colonel Nathan Jessep in ‘A Few Good Men’ for some reason.

“That’s how you get anarchy and that’s not cool, if I’m using that slang correctly. What am I, a jazz musician? Trust me, I am not an agent of chaos,” he said dropping a thin reference to Heath Ledger as the Joker in ‘The Dark Knight’.

“We are going to conduct a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles,” he said, now shifting gears to quote Tommy Lee Jones as U.S. Marshal Sam Gerard in ‘The Fugitive’.

“No, I’m not. That’s really where I think the best places to look are,” he replied before adding, “because we don’t negotiate with terrorists; hold for applause. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to read that last part out loud.”