First 2024 Presidential Debate to Focus Exclusively on John Jacobs Hair

After getting his hair cut for the first time in seven years, Tampa News Force founding member John Jacobs has inadvertently plunged the nation into a state of division not seen since the Civil War.

”He looks both younger and more mature now,” said Tampa’s Ed Glurch. “He made the right choice and anybody who disagrees is trying to destroy America.”

”Long-haired Jacobs is classic Jacobs,” countered his brother Ted. “I used to love you but you’re a moron and I hope you and your kids die in a fire.”

In an effort to unify the country by finding a common ground through a civil exchange of beliefs and ideas, or, more likely, to further divide it by pandering to extremists on both sides of the issue with inflammatory rhetoric, President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump will debate the matter this Friday evening, broadcast live worldwide from the Tampa campus of the University of South Florida.

Both candidates have agreed to discuss nothing but this crucial matter and will wear shock collars that will administer a 400v charge to either of them if they attempt to mention the economy, immigration or any other silly, meaningless topic.