Five things you shouldn’t buy when you win the lottery

Fueled by desperate financial concerns and absurdly large and life-changing jackpots, winning the lottery is becoming an increasingly popular fantasy for many. In fact, in some cases it’s not a fantasy but a strategy.

Not only could you solve literally any problem you could ever have with that money, you’d probably have enough left over for some silly, extravagant and indulgent purchases. Personally, I’ve never jet skied, I don’t want to jet ski and I don’t anticipate ever developing a desire to jet ski but if I ever won the Powerball, you’d better believe I’d own at least four jet skis.

Considering that life is completely fair and it’s just a matter of time before you deservedly cash in on the winnings to which you’re entitled, here are five things you should not spend your newfound fortune on when the balls come up in your favor…

A NEW CAR

The ROI (which stands for “Return On Investment”, not “Rusty Old Iron” because cars are mostly made of plastic these days) on a new car is not good. Everybody knows they depreciate the instant you drive them off the lot. Plus, odds are it’s going to be as big a piece of shit as what you’re already driving, so you might as well put your money into fixing and maintaining that.

HIPPOS

QUESTION: How cool would it be to own a couple of hippos?
ANSWER: So insanely cool that you can’t even imagine.
The problem is do you know who owned hippos? Notorious drug dealer Pablo Escobar. Not only would it look like a copycat move, it would be a huge red flag to various authority agencies who might want to take a close look at what else you’re into and you don’t want that.

A BOAT

For basically the same reasons as a car (see above) except you don’t already own a boat, do you? No, you don’t. Well, don’t worry about it because you don’t want one. Remember the old adage: the two best days in a boat owner’s life are the day they buy a boat and the day they set fire to it in the hopes that it looks like an accident and they can get an insurance settlement.

SOMEONE TO STALK AND MURDER YOUR SPOUSE

Sure, it seems like a great idea, but have you ever noticed that nobody ever gets away with it? It’s almost like the only guys who hang around in dive bars and look like they would kill someone for money are federal agents. Also, it’s morally and ethically wrong or whatever.

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You overcame nearly incalculable odds to win it once; what on earth makes you think you could or should win it again, you cocky, greedy piece of shit?