Following the latest mass shooting, this time in Baltimore, Maryland, leaving two dead and dozens injured, it would appear that once again the remedy of Thoughts & Prayers has failed to prevent another tragedy that has occurred in America more than 250 times so far in 2023.
“You know something? I’m getting pretty frustrated with people complaining about Thoughts & Prayers being ineffectual,” said God, who was in Tampa eating late breakfast at Three Coins Diner on Nebraska Avenue for the sake of qualifying this story as local. “Not ‘flood-the-earth-so-one-of-you-need-to-start-building-an-ark’ frustrated, but I’m pretty sick of it.”
“Look, Thoughts & Prayers work. There’s a proven track record”, He elaborated. “Prayers for the crippled and the deaf and blind to be healed. Money when people desperately needed it. Sports championships. Lots of prayers answered in those departments and others over the years. And thoughts are almost as powerful. In fact, they’re kind of the same thing. Not all the time, but pretty often, all things considered.”
“The problem isn’t the media, it’s the message.”
“See, most of the Thoughts & Prayers I get are selfish in nature. People pray to not be victims of a mass shooting. And in most cases, I can grant those, but I’m only one God. They tend to only think of how this impacts them. Very, very rarely do people show much concern for others. Sure, sometimes they’ll mention the actual victims of whatever the latest incident is, but at that point, those folks have already been shot and killed,” He continued. “Or they’ll pray for stupid stuff. Like the guns, or that nobody takes their guns from them. And Donald Trump, a lot of prayers for that guy, who I’ve already bailed out of numerous jams. That kind of thing is weird to me but okay, I guess.”
“If that’s people want,” He said shrugging.
“So the next time you bitch about Thoughts & Prayers not working, look around at the idiots making them and what those particular Thoughts & Prayers might be,” He said, finishing his pancakes and leaving a 40% tip before disappearing in a cloud of white smoke. “Not Me.”