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Tampa Drinking Water Now 68% Human Shit


Helped by the addition of several multi-million gallon water cleaning tanks, the City of Tampa held a celebration today to announce that the amount of human fecal matter in the drinking water had fallen for the first time in over a decade.

“Thanks to our new wastewater cleaning facility, we will finally be able to clean a fraction of the 50 million gallons of wastewater we dump daily into Tampa Bay,” said Tampa Water Manager, Billian Rotco.

At the ceremony, Rotco demonstrated the power of the tanks by pouring himself a glass of water and drinking it.

“You should have seen how much shit and piss was in this water before we got these tanks,” Rotco continued. “We are ecstatic to announce that we have finally been able to get the percentage of shit and piss down from 73% to 68%.”

Rotco then threw up, went red and died.  A security crew quickly carried him away and threw his body in the bay.  It dissolved immediately from the amount of shit and piss in it.

Upon hearing the news, the City of St. Petersburg announced they will be dumping even more wastewater into the bay.

Citizens are encouraged to continue drinking the water because there is no way the sudden increase in the population will make the water any worse.

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos