Gulf of Mexico Officially Hot Enough to Cook Ramen

As beach water temperatures continue to hit record highs, one Treasure Island visitor is making a splash after successfully cooking a packet of instant ramen in the beach water.

“As soon as I saw that the water temperatures had hit triple digits, I knew it was time to sell all of my belongings and live at the beach,” said Polyander Astronomis.  “Why should I pay for utilities when the world is providing us with so much for free.”

Astronomis opened a packet of ramen and threw it in the ocean.  After about three minutes, he scooped the ramen up with his hands and began eating it.

“Because the ocean water is already salty, it’s actually healthier to eat it this way,” said Astronomis while offering me a handful of ramen. “It has less sodium than using the seasoning packet, so I’ve actually lost weight and my blood pressure is down.”

Once it was discovered that the ocean water could fully cook ramen, a local group began collecting food donations and set-up an ocean cooked food station for people experiencing food insecurity.

“Florida will always have homeless people,” said Muguiel Quortz, founder of Homeless Feeding Homeless.  “Some people are just never going to have a home, but that doesn’t mean they have to go hungry.”

Quortz was in the middle of feeding a few hundred people when the police came and destroyed their table and food set-up.

“While the water may be hot enough to cook food in, we can’t have homeless people near tourist,” said Captain Sears Tyre, mayor of Treasure Island. “Yeah, this is a cheap way to help those who are less fortunate, but they are going to have to find a different beach to do this in.”

As of this writing, every beach in Florida has water that is hot enough to cook ramen and pasta in.

State officials are discouraging visitors from cooking in the ocean water, but they have not provided any concrete solutions to address the ongoing climate crisis.