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New Concept Restaurant Seeks to Train Child Soldiers

PizzaPistols

A new concept restaurant with a shooting range hopes to engage the next generation of second amendment rights activist. “We want to be the Chuck E Cheese of guns,” said Barbie Bellie, founder of Pistol Planet. “In our restaurant we want children to hold a gun in one hand and a slice of pizza in…

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HART Introduces New Park and Ride Bus Stops

ParkNRide

Tampa’s public transit system is getting a facelift thanks to a set of new park and ride stations. “We want to make it easier for Tampanians to ride the bus,” said Reily Huarto, HART’s Customer Relations Ambassador. “These stations will let customers crash their car right into the bus stop shelter and hop on the…

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School resource officer shoots kid reading gay book

Gay Book

A second grader is in critical condition today after being shot by his school resource officer while reading Lesléa Newman’s 1989 classic picture book ‘Heather Has Two Mommies’. “I was patrolling the library and saw the gay book,” said officer Frank Johnnie. “At first I was just trying to shoot the book, but the kid…

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Sex With Pregnant Women Now Illegal in Florida

No Sex With Pregos

Now that life begins at conception, sex with pregnant women will be considered sexual battery on a minor. “New and expecting parents will be required by law to sign a form stating they didn’t engage in any sexual contact after discovering the pregnancy.” Said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis during a press conference where he signed…

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Pete Davidson Buys Tampa News Force

OJ Kanye Pete

Pete Davidson of SNL fame has announced plans to purchase the majority ownership of THIS PUBLICATION! [Tampa News Force] “I’ve been trying to find new things to get my mind off of the crazy stuff happening to me right now,” said Davidson during a heavy weed smoking session with current TNF owner, OJ Simpson “I…

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Exposure to Senator Rick Scott Cited as Leading Cause of Monkeypox

MonkeyPox Rick

During a recent survey of people infected with Monkeypox, over 85% of respondents said that the Florida Senator, Rick Scott, was the last person they had physically come in contact with before experiencing symptoms. “I met him at a press event, and we hooked up,” said Everett Estreya, a 27-year-old intern for CNN.  “After he…

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Rick Scott Touts New Abortion Alternative

ScottBat

“Today life wins!” Said Senator Rick Scott in a speech to supporters.  “Sweet precious, delicious life.” He added, followed by a direct message to women seeking abortions. “If you are thinking of having an illegal abortion, call me and I’ll show up to eat your fetus.”  Senator Scott then provided his personal cell phone number.…

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Tampa Based Cryptocurrency Ranked Most Stable in the World

TampaCoin

A Tampa-based cryptocurrency is being hailed for its inventive new strategy that has crypto experts in disbelief. While most cryptocurrencies are backed by absolutely nothing, Tampa’s very own official cryptocurrency, Tampa Coin, has managed to tie its value algorithm with the probability of Tampa sports teams winning games. “When Tampa Coin was created, it was…

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