Kevin Blenderson, a man visiting the Hooters on Gandy Blvd. in Tampa desperately needs you to make note of the fact that he’s too cool to be at the Hooters on Gandy and hopes that a dumb hat he purchased recently accomplishes that lofty goal.
“Yep. Clearly I would never be caught dead in a tacky dump like this. Yet here I am,” he said, while offering no explanation as to why he was there. “I can’t imagine why anybody would come here for any reason whatsoever. My only hope is that everyone here notices how I so obviously stand out as not being part of this ponderous mediocrity.”
“Dear God, I pray they notice my hat. I bought it in Ybor and it cost $18!”
He described in detail how he wasn’t concerned about the rest of his appearance drawing attention.
“They’re going to see the bow tie. They’re going to see the suspenders. They’re going to see the beard. They’re going to see the tats. I mean, how could they not? I’m so obviously out of place from these tedious yokels. I’m not worried about that,” he said. “But the hat really just brings it all together and I’m afraid these bumpkins are all too dull to pay proper notice.”
Blenderson’s concerns would appear to be unfounded.
“Yeah, I saw his stupid hat as soon as he walked in,” said Archie Reese, a man eating dinner at Hooters because he likes watching sports on TV while eating chicken wings. “I remember thinking, ‘Wow, what a stupid fucking hat’.”
Roy Wickers, another Hooters patron who goes there to drink beer and hang out with friends, said, “He was already here when I got here but him and that stupid-ass hat of his were the first things I noticed when I got here. What an obvious attention-seeking douchebag. Fuck him and his dumb hat.”
Marjorie Clupps, a Hooters server who works there because she’s making money to pay for college, was less critical of Blenderson’s hat.
“It’s not that stupid. I’ve seen guys like that before; you know, guys who dress like they’re in a ska band but they’re not even musicians. I mean, it is a really dumb hat; it’s just that I’ve seen guys with much dumber hats than that one. That’s all.”
Yet another customer, Will Sbundt, who doesn’t seem to know why he goes to Hooters either, was almost downright sympathetic to Blenderson and his plight. “That poor guy. His life is obviously nothing but a sad, desperate and ultimately futile effort to somehow fool himself and other people into believing that he matters on some grander scale than everybody else. And he ties all that to a fashion accessory like a hat. It’s pitiful when you think about it.”
“Still, I hope he chokes on his food and dies right here while wearing his precious stupid hat. That would be a suitably idiotic death for a moron like him,” he added.