Harvard moving to Brooksville

After 384 years, Harvard, America’s oldest university and one of the most prestigious institutions of higher learning in the world, is moving from Boston, Massachusetts to Brooksville, Florida.

The move was brokered by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis who is fulfilling one of his election campaign promises by bringing an opponent into the state that every other college in Florida can beat in football. “Also in basketball and baseball probably, if we’re being honest”, he says. “Maybe not hockey and lacrosse but who gives a shit? Are those even sports?”

The university’s new location will be at 19458 Cortez Blvd. in the Brooksville Square shopping center, where the Dollar Tree store is currently located, between the Habitat For Humanity office and HairMasters Salon. The Dollar Tree isn’t closing, but will occupy a kiosk inside the Ivy League University and will sell school books and resources as well as officially licensed Harvard Crimson merchandise like hats, sweatshirts and pool noodles. “We have to adapt to a new client base”, says retail manager Doug Hardschwitz.

DeSantis says, “This is a tremendous achievement in academics for Florida. The entire state’s GPA increased by half a point as soon as we signed the paperwork!”

Professor of Sociology at Harvard University, Professor of Leadership Development at Harvard Business School, and Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana says Harvard did thorough investigations into the Brooksville area before agreeing to the move. “I had a public meeting with the city council and several residents”, he says. “The first thing I asked is if Brooksville has historical relevance and everyone assured me, yes, Brooksville definitely has history, referring me to a tree that they’re all very proud of. I then asked if there were any negative social conditions, such as oppression of minorities. Everyone kind of avoided eye contact with me for a minute before Mayor Joe Bernardini said ‘not anymore’. I was satisfied.” Mayor Bernardini says, “I didn’t lie; if we don’t have any minorities, we can’t oppress them.”

The move is going to happen right away, with trucks loading up this weekend. “The goal is to start classes at the new campus next semester”, says Dean Khurana. “We can’t wait to start hosting winter homecoming events for alumni with the beautiful Tampa Bay weather and to begin rejecting applications from prospective, severely unqualified students from Florida.”

Brooksville resident Roy Clubbins says, “We get a bad rap here in Brooksville for not being the most tolerant folks, but we’re all very excited about this. In fact we’ve already thrown a welcome parade for the new school people!”