How to Professionally Identify as a Victim
Sometimes things happen, that don’t happen to you, but that does not mean you cannot make it about yourself, and claim to be hurt emotionally or physically by these things.
Anything at all.
Something happens across the world, and the fact that it even exists can be turned into enough fuel to trigger you in a detrimental way.
Do not give up any opportunity to be victimized and garner sympathy which you can then turn into valuable currency.
Make sure to talk about how good of a person you are all the time and how you stand up for everyone else, so when you soon become the victim, it will be assumed everyone around will do the same for you, and stick up for you.
Make sure to be as vulnerable as possible at all times. Don’t even wear shoes. Be as prone to all incidents as possible.
Make sure to be as annoying as legally possible, so people will be likely to snap at you, and you can immediately frame that as a grand attack on you, and begin your journey of victimization.
Be clumsy so you can bump into things or people and then blame them for being in your way/space and use that as a jumping off point for a confrontation where you are the victim.
Remember when relaying any account of events to others that everything was stacked against you and you were being perfectly reasonable and justified in everything that you did.
Don’t be scared to take everything personally all the time. The slightest accident from another person is more than enough of a reason to immediately be victimized. Someone says your name wrong? It’s because they’re attacking you. Someone bumps into you? Fall to the ground and scream. An employee at a store asks you a question? It’s because they’re profiling you and you need to call the police on them and try to get them fired.
Being a professional victim is a very socially rich career choice.
Always be on the right side of everything, garner those feelings of empathy from others and use it towards marketing whatever it is you’re trying to sell. Your book about crystals, your vegan dog treat company, why Emma Stone should win an Oscar. Whatever you want, you can achieve by distorting public good-will and using it to your advantage.
Become a professional victim.
If you don’t, I’ll scream.
