Joe Biden Gives Up Baby’s Blood For Lent

This Lent season, disgraced, current President, Joe Biden, claimed he is giving up “baby’s blood” for the 40 days of Lent.

During a press conference at a publicity event at Chambers Pentecostal Church on Wemberly Avenue in Washington DC, President Biden had a senior moment, and slipped up during a speech, accidentally admitting, “This year for Lent, I’m going to give up baby’s blood!” The President shouted with a rising inflection on the last few words.

“I, I, I like to drink it! Me and my dog Ranger! We drink it together sometimes! It’s good for my corneal degeneration!” President Biden murmured with his tone and volume fluctuating wildly.

“They feed me baby’s blood every night, because I absorb the nutrients it has and it keeps me cognitive for 20 minutes at a time so I can function as the leader of the free world!” Biden said, eyes beading towards something nobody could identify.

The President then walked away from the church podium, where his suit-pants fell down halfway to his ankles in a comical fashion, revealing he was wearing a soiled adult diaper.

“Ewwww” went the entire congregation in attendance of the event.

“I was surprised to see him this bad.” Said Carlyle Qaz, a worshipper who witnessed the showing.

“I mean, I know he’s been bad, hence him dropping out of the race. But ugh. It almost makes me feel bad that I’m going to write his name in for President at this next election.” Qaz shrugged, then turned into a dove which flew directly into the sun at light speed, causing the sun to ripple with a hologram-like effect.

Then I woke up at my desk and I realized that I still needed to change 5 more oils on cars today before I would head to Tampa News Force headquarters for my night shift as a lowly beat reporter.

“Another Biden dream?” Asked Ralph, my boss at the auto shop.

“Another Biden dream.” I nodded solemnly, processing what I just went through before putting my work hat back on.

“You really need to talk to the doctor about those. That can’t be normal.” Ralph said with earnest concern, and a tinge of jealously that I was asleep while was working, in a passive aggressive tone because he is still my boss.

“Yea, yea, I’ll ask ‘em Ralph.” I shot back, giving him a knowing glance, as if to say, “I know, you’ve told me a million times.”

My legs began to tremble writing this article at a standing desk I fashioned out of an old dresser and a pile of books and a shoe box, but I didn’t want to step away because I knew if I stopped writing, my train of thought and the creativity would go away.

“Don’t worry, you have an infinite amount of creativity.” God spoke to me in my brain.

“As long as you’re alive, hell, even if you’re not alive, you will always maintain an insurmountable amount of creativity in whatever form your essence exists.” Reassured God. 

“Thanks God.” I said, restraining myself from taking out my God-catching orb that I’ve been saving for the next occasion that I had interacting with God, but knowing that it would be wrong to try to catch God so I could prove he exists to the rest of the world, because I don’t want to betray his trust for the sake of fame and fortune.

God then disappeared and so did the rest of the article.

I wanted to write more, but after my encounter with God, I just want to sit down and rest.

Remember this article was about Joe Biden giving up baby’s blood for Lent?

That’s still pretty funny isn’t it.

Ha ha ha, I like that headline. Very good stuff, me. Congratulations on making me laugh. You’re so good at that! You should feel good about how good you are at cracking me up. It feels like so few people can make me crack up like you do…

Also, for the record, I have no idea when “Lent” is just incase this story is nowhere near it. Is it around Easter? I don’t even know when Easter is. April? Is Lent, what leads up to Easter? That would make sense right? I feel like I vaguely remember that.

I still don’t know when Thanksgiving is though, so don’t be mad at me. I barely know any Holiday dates. I just don’t never cared to remember. I still do not care at all when Holidays are. Other people, and advertisements, will always tell you when Holidays are so you don’t need to pay mind to the dates.