Largo Man Now Regrets Not Storming Capitol

Brian Groover, whose physical appearance has changed drastically since we talked to him in March of 2021, almost like it’s a stock photo of a completely different guy with red hat, now says he deeply regrets not storming the US Capitol during the January 6 insurrection.

“Man, I’m a fool,” he said. “Clearly I did not think that through at all.”

Groover said he changed his mind after reading a Tampa Bay Times article published on July 4 about how public opinion about the insurrection seems to be softening and that many of the participants no longer feel badly about their involvement.

“Of course they don’t feel bad now! They’re cashing in! Adam ‘The Lectern Guy’ is booking appearances and signing autographs. He’ll probably get a Netflix deal. He’s a star,” said Groover. “Even Robert Scott Palmer, that idiot I almost went with, I heard he’s got an endorsement deal with a local conservative pizza joint.”

Asked if a similar situation were to arise if he would respond differently, he said, “of course! I’m not going to miss a second chance to ride that sweet insurrection gravy train, a solid gold choo-choo with wheels made of local pizza.”

“I think Trump probably wins in November but hopefully something will go wrong again and we get the opportunity to freak even more the fuck out this time,” he added. “God willing.”