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Let’s Just Say You’re Going to Need a Passport To Fly Into Tampa Now

Peter O. Knight Airport – Hillsborough County – Friday 4.5.2019

In a very confusing move that is concerning many locals, Tampa’s local government has issued a strict passport policy for anyone flying to the city.

“After what happened with Davis Island and Harbor Island seceding, we can’t be too sure about anyone,” said Tampa City Government official Trevor Limpouzki. “Let’s just say this little passport policy is a distraction.”

“I like that phrase,” I told Limpouzki while admiring his vintage reclaimed wood guillotine that was placed in the middle of his office.

“You like the not being sure about anyone part?” He asked me inquistively.

“No the ‘let’s just say’ part,” I told him while scribbling incoherent lines in my notepad. “I know I’m not supposed to use the word ‘just’ because it’s a filler word and I should be able to write concise stories with real information.”

Limpouzki then looked up from his phone to ask me if I had anymore questions for him, “I’m not sure where you are getting your information from. That passport thing seems a little silly, not sure why you would tell your readers that.”

“Nope, I think I got what I was looking for here,” I shouted confidently.

“Well I am glad to hear that,” said Limpouzki as he opened his office door to escort me out. After crossing the door frame a man wearing a hooded robe came up and punched me in the stomach.

The hooded man overpowered me and strapped me down to the guillotine in Limpouzki’s office.

“You should have quit meddling around city hall,” yelled an ominous voice that sounded like Limpouzki with a slight grunt. “Stop lying to people with your silly news thing, apologize now or I’ll drop the blade.”

“Fine I apologize,” I cried.

“Well too bad, drop the blade!” I heard him yell before my head was chopped clean off and rolled underneath Limpouzki’s desk.

With the last of my neck strength I was able to twist myself over and spot a rat hanging out eating some floor scraps. I bit its tail and it dragged my dying head two inches before the executioner picked up my skull and held it at eye level.

“It’s seems like he’s still fighting to stay alive,” I hear him say as the last of the oxygen in my brain depletes and I feel the rest of my brain matter slide out my neck hole and splatters on the nice taxpayer funded rug in Limpouzki’s office.

“Well let’s just say he won’t be needing a passport anymore,” Limpouzki says as he leaves the executioner behind in his office to clean up the mess created from my beheading.

No one knows for certain when the passport thing will be lifted, Tampa citizens are encouraged to renew or get a passport at their earliest convenience.

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos