Lightning to play exhibition game in Afghanistan

National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman announced that the two-time defending Stanley Cup Champion Tampa Bay Lightning will be playing an exhibition game against the Philadelphia Flyers in Afghanistan next week.

“We’ve all seen the agonizing footage recently and it’s utterly heart-wrenching. What can we as a professional North American sports league do for those poor people? Obviously, what we’re best at is playing hockey and our best ambassadors would be our World Champions”, he said. “It’s a no-brainer.”

Reached for comment, Lightning captain Steven Stamkos said, “Yeah, no, we’re not doing that. Because it is literally a no-brainer.”

Bettman replied, “Oh shit, he’s right. Scratch that. It’s a terrible idea. I was emotional when I came up with it. Never mind. It’s not happening.”

He then announced that he’s still sending a couple planeloads of Philadelphia fans to the highly unstable and dangerous region in exchange for some refugees.

“Now that’s a good deal”, he said, sighing with satisfaction.