Man Loses Life Savings On Olympic Table Tennis

A man in Polk County has lost over $1,000,000 betting on the first round of mens olympic table tennis.

“The Chinese guy was supposed to win!” Shouted Billy Jeans, Florida resident.

“I didn’t even have one million dollars, I borrowed it from the bank by leveraging the fake company I started! I don’t even have a company, I have no collateral, they’re just going to put me in jail! I can’t do this!” Jeans screamed, wallowing in pain for his bad gambling mistake.

You know what, this article is too basic of a concept, I can’t keep writing this one, hit it!

(Pyrotechnics explode out of cannons hidden inside of the room you’re currently reading this article from.)

You like that? Bet you didn’t think I could invade your private space through an article, did you?

(Strippers enter your room through closets and begin dancing, topless and winking at you.)

Yea, how about that? Pretty cool stuff huh!

(A vacuum hose breaks through your ceiling and begins sucking up everything, distorting reality and leaving only a blank white two-dimensional plane that you now exist on.)

Oops, maybe I over-did it a bit

(My voice echoing amongst the void of silence that is the white plane.)

I’ll be honest, sometimes I don’t think my ideas through and this was one that went a little haywire.

(I exit the plane leaving you alone there with no answer to the issue at hand.)

Thousands of years pass and you’ve experienced consciousness in the white void, your mind going numb and cycling through loops of madness where you occupy yourself by creating false realities and living them over and over again, every time devolving into madness and hysteria.

Suddenly the white plane breaks and you’re dropped back into the room you started reading this article, but you can’t process it because your mind has been turned to mush by the thousands of years of emptiness and you don’t grasp what’s just happened.

After sitting in silence in your home for over 24 hours you begin to feel pain in your body and stomach and feel hunger again and jolt back to awareness from the stimulation.

You sob and weep heavily for hours, learning how to control your bodily functions again, and manage to walk eventually, to your refrigerator where you put whatever is in their into your mouth without even looking at what it is.

It feels good.

And you feel back to normal after a while longer and you’re angry, but you also don’t really know how to feel emotions again quite yet so you just kind of sit there, remembering how to think and speak slowly.

Then you falls asleep. And you’re depressed for a while. But you get over it. And you remember you need to keep reading Tampa News Force articles, because at one time they made you happy, so you continue to read them in hopes that you feel the original happiness again. But you’re worried you might never feel that happiness again. But you do it anyway. Because you don’t know what else you can do. And you’re scared to change anything. Because you’re not sure if you’re even alive or if this is all still part of the white void.

Then you see Tim Walz is Kamala Harris Vice President pick and you go, “Huhhh? Who??” And then you watch a YouTube video of his first speech and you remember it’s an election year and then you kind of miss the white void. 

And then finally, once again, you laugh. And you feel happiness. And a single tear comes down.