Mosquitoes in Sarasota aren’t messing around
There have been eight confirmed cases of malaria in Sarasota so far this summer, the largest outbreak in the United States in almost a century.
There are an estimated 240 million cases worldwide on average, but 95% originate in Africa. Of the approximately 2,000 annual cases in the U.S., most originate in foreign countries.
Here are some tips on what you can do to protect yourself from the current situation developing in Sarasota…
- Don’t go to Sarasota
- If you’re in Sarasota, leave
- If you’re in Bradenton, Palmetto, Tampa, St. Petersburg or Clearwater and you see a mosquito, ask it if it’s from Sarasota; legally it is required to answer honestly
- If it says yes, kick its ass or run away
- If it says no and you suspect it’s lying to you, contact Sheriff Grady Judd in Polk County; he doesn’t put up with this kind of bullshit
- If you see someone you suspect has been bitten by a mosquito, shoot them in the head before they turn into a mosquito
- If you happen to shoot someone in the head at a bar because you thought you heard them order a mosquito but what they actually said was “mojito”, don’t be too hard on yourself because it was an honest mistake and could have happened to anybody; just try not to do it again
- If a billionaire in Sarasota contracts malaria, go ahead and re-purpose your Titan submersible memes because everyone will enjoy those
- “Mosque” is not short for “mosquito”; do NOT burn any of those down unless they happen to be infested with mosquitoes due to a completely random coincidence
