Skip to content

God begins requiring certain number of prayers to get into heaven


God has decided that there is now a minimum number of prayers you must give and receive to get into heaven, effective immediately.

“You must have prayed at least 20,000 times and have had 5,000 prayers directed at you if you want to get into heaven.” God’s voice boomed into the minds of all believers on earth simultaneously.

“Those both just sounded like high and appropriate numbers, I didn’t think about it too long, but yea, those are the numbers you need to get in!” God’s commencement concluded.

Since the notification, people have been scrambling to reach those requirements, creating prayer groups which avidly pray for each other and make sure that each person receives a certain number of prayers to ensure that they get in to heaven.

“It’s stressful, but also it’s very helpful and comforting knowing exactly what you need to do to get into heaven.” Said Joshua Yellowtree, a strict Christian believer.

“Before it was so vague and unclear what got you in, you know ‘being a good person,’ ‘following the word of the lord,’ but now we have actual, quantifiable terms for getting in there. It’s awesome! I already completed my 20,000 prayers and have received my other 5,000 so now I can kind of do whatever I want until I die! I’m exited to get crazy and drink and stuff! Maybe have some sex, who knows?” Yellowtree rejoiced, high-fiving himself, before catching a case of hiccups.

“Sorry, I have the hiccups, I started drinking straight Jack since I woke up this morning at 4am. I’ve been partying since I hit the prayer goals. This is the best week ever!” Yellowtree then passed out onto me and I laid him down onto an air mattress I have in the interview room attached to my office.

Whether you still need to be a pious person or just achieve those prayer goals is unclear, but people are taking God’s word for what it is and interpreting it however they want.

“I’m still going to be good.” Said Daniel Glimson.

“I was already good, so I’m not going to change, I’ll just keep being good and hopefully get my prayer numbers, I’m not going to stress about it too much.”

Then Glimson got hit by lightning, from inside my office, which is very strange, and I watched his soul come out of his body and interact with God, where God told him despite being good, he did not reach the newly required numbers and he would be spending eternity in hell.

Glimson was understanding and said that he didn’t have any hard-feelings against God and that he would gladly accept his eternal damnation.

Ok, this story is done, I’m not feeling it anymore.

You ever have that where suddenly you don’t like something anymore? I know I have. Ask my exes! (Rim shot)

I’m just kidding folks, but seriously what is the deal with jet food? Or is it plane food? Is it air plane food? Is air plane one word? Is it airplane? Neither of them get a squiggly read line under them so apparently both are acceptable when it comes to writing in the Apple notes app.

Apple tells me what is right and wrong.

Kind of like God!

But digital version.

Apple is like digital God.

And you’re not supposed to have any other God’s in your life.

Ok, I’m going to submit this article then submit myself to the one true God and smash my laptop. Bye bye laptop! We have fun. You helped me masturbate so many times. But you’re evil. And that’s not ok.

Here we go!


Wll I jut lot a fw ky it till motly works

I lot too many ky an now I can’t typ anymor


John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds