Native American ghosts available for picnics in Safety Harbor

A public picnic shelter built atop a Native American burial ground in Safety Harbor is now open again with an added amenity, Pinellas County officials confirmed yesterday.

“Ghosts!”, exclaimed Anissa Clumpsworth, managing director of the Pinellas County Department of Making Something Good Out Of Something Bad. “Real dead Tocobaga Indian ghosts will now be available to enhance YOUR picnic experience by haunting YOUR sandwiches and potato salad!”

As of December, shelter house No. 9 in Philippe Park could no longer be reserved, with county leaders discussing plans to tear it down, a decision that came after a 2019 study conducted by Thomas Pluckhahn, a USF anthropology professor, determined that a burial cemetery mound beneath the structure likely holds the remains belonging to members of the Tocobaga tribe. 

However, cooler and smarter heads prevailed and it was decided to leave the shelter as is and start charging a $15 poltergeist rental fee to reserve that particular facility.

“Exploiting Native Americans is something of an American tradition,” said Clumpsworth. “What’s a better way to honor that heritage than trying to get something out of them, even after they’re dead?”

”ESPECIALLY after they’re dead, when they can’t sue us anymore.”

She says the nominal fees, which will go somewhere to pay for something else probably, won’t necessarily guarantee that angry, vengeful spirits will appear at any particular functions held there, “but we figure the chances are pretty darn good.”